I posted this photo on Threads a couple of weeks ago. It's a photo of my bedroom from 1995. I was living in San Diego, California with my family. I'm not sure why I took the photo, maybe it was to use up the rest of the film on the camera? Whatever the reason, I'm glad that I took this photo. It's me in a moment in time that I often forget. The girl that lived in this room was fearless. She was angry. She was uncertain about her future. She hated her body, and wanted to be skinny. She wanted to fit in with her friends, but didn't care about fitting in with anybody else. She wanted more than anything for her parents to love her and to care about her.
I see this photo and I am reminded how much music meant to me back then. It was something that I listened to and felt seen and heard. Here were people that were just as angry and sad as I was. Being a teenager is not easy. Being a human being in general is not easy. I still feel angry and sad as an adult! But being able to find an art form that told me that it was okay to feel that way, was pretty fucking cool.
My best friend Kim introduced me to punk music. Hence all the punk posters on my wall. We'd go see live bands play at an all ages venue called Soma. Often we took the bus, and had her mom pick us up. We were so embarrassed having her pick us up, we'd ask that she meet us across the street. I saw some really good music there. I felt like myself there. We saw No Doubt, Blink 182 (before the 182) and Bad Religion. We saw countless local bands play there too. I still can't believe that our parents let us go alone.
We did a lot of things on our own back then. We'd often take the bus downtown and just hang out. There was a crazy mall called Horton Plaza and we'd wander around there for hours. There was a huge thrift store downtown that we frequented. I found this awesome Padres windbreaker that I wish I still had. Many times I would happen to run into tother kids I knew, and we'd find a way to get beer, or wine. We'd drink at a park, or at a friend's house.
It's kind of bonkers to think that we didn't have cell phones. Our parents couldn't reach us. They had no idea where we were most of the time. We would just go over to someone's house, hoping they'd be home. We'd be out and about and just happen to run into someone we knew, then end up spending the rest of the day just hanging out. I'm so glad we didn't have smart phones or social media back then. Life was already so complicated, and I feel like adding social media to that would have been even harder. I honestly don't know how kids manage their lives with it. I find it hard enough as an adult.
Anyway, this photo brings up a lot of memories for me. Sometimes I wish I could go back, but mostly I'm glad that I can't. It reminds me that I was once this fearless, take no shit, girl. I need to remember that part of me. I can't forget her.